But there was a good!

Yes, a good thing has been happening: E is sleeping through the night regularly. And by sleeping through the night, I mean he sleeps for 8-10 hours without waking up. And by regularly, I mean more than two nights in a row.

And now that I have typed all that, I want to delete it. The universe knew already, obviously — but now it knows. When the universe takes the step from gently existing all around you to a sudden attention at the fool waving the red flag, I think it must get irate. (Fool, you interrupted the gentle wafting existence. For that you shall never, ever get that kid back to sleep for at least two weeks. Yeah, that’s right. Stop typing.)

I cannot completely express or explain the feeling when you, as a human being, shift from lack of sleep to enough sleep, but it is amazing. Physical and mental refreshment after a strain of sleepless nights is better than any drug or stimulant. Your brain can handle thoughts of more magnitude than “I am in the kitchen now but why.” You can plan again. You can dream again, and not just horrible nightmares about the current administration. You can think.

And then I hope that E is also feeling the benefit of extended and uninterrupted sleep, and that maybe, possibly, he is learning to think.

Another good thing: E going to sleep and staying there* means I have a bit more free time at nights, and I’ve been looking into my to-read pile. Oddly, I don’t want to read any of it. All of it seems really heavy or depressing, and I am getting enough of that from the news, Twitter, and the news. And I don’t want to get mad at Kurt Vonnegut because he uses the word “idiot” to refer, in passing, to a disabled dude. Despite all my fancy schmancing above about getting more sleep, I still don’t feel like I have the energy at the moment to get angry about more than a handful of things. And those things are:

  • the current president and his administration and the shitty things they do and say
  • E’s insurance
  • E’s insurance
  • E’s insurance
  • trying to make E’s appointments in a timely manner
  • the future

My mad reservoir is really tapped. It’ll build back up, just like my sleep reservoir has slowly built back up over the last few months. But for now, I’m taking it easy. And I’m going to read some goofy pick from last year’s Vaginal Fantasy line-up, and sleep, sleep, sleep.


*he is definitely going to wake up before I finish this blog post. The universe knows. But I can’t. Stop. Typing.

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