These sentiments require, I think, a release of control. Since it’s a false control, a false sense that if I only had more information then we coudl DO something, then I could act on BLAHBLAHWHATEVERPROBLEMBLAH, it’s even funnier that I grip it with such iron determination. If I could just open my hand and let that fake, rubbery whisper-lie of control flagellate itself into nothing — which is what it always was, you know — if I could, and I will.
To help with this letting go/giving in, I am trying to practice patience. Or maybe, being present? It’s hard. Here are some of the ways I am doing it.
– Smell. Oh, he’s a stinker, all right. He’s had some absolutely titanic poops, and funny little fart blats that never fail to crack me up. But those are the obvious smells. He has biscuit breath from his milk, and sweet soft baby cheeks. His neck smells both sweet and like nothing at all. His hair smells like baby shampoo and coconut oil.
– Play. Some new ideas from the helpful Internet: a pan of water, with some waterproof baby-safe thingies in it, like his ball, or a soothie. Christmas lights (on a battery pack) in a jar — he seemed to enjoy the way the light played over his face. Bright scarves from my closet. I don’t know if he can see them, but he can touch them and seems interested. And there are the songs and the dances we do. I sing to him so much that I sometimes worry he’ll grow up thinking life is a musical. We are going all out in tummy time and rolling practice, because he’s too old not to do this stuff.
– Avoid certain online forums. You know, the ones where people talk proudly about how their baby is so early on all their milestones. It will just increase impatience and anxiety. I’m having a hard time with this, because such forums are generally my go-to for baby and baby-symptom concerns. But I’m starting to spend less time on them.
I am ever expanding my tea repertoire. Any recommendations? Also, if you know of a tea that increases serenity and patience, ha ha ha, let me know.
Seek Distraction Outdoors
I planted a tree last weekend. Planting a tree in our yard requires patience, and a flexible back, and above all the cautious use of a shovel and chisel to get through the layers of rock. We now have a stately narrow evergreen between the house and the garden. I have some runner beans to plant next to the fence.
Seek Distraction Indoors
I might find the time to paint our bedroom room this weekend. It will help. Painting takes patience, especially if you like to paint without taping like I do. (I think my former boss at the scene-shop would be scandalized if I taped instead of cutting in.) Probably should wash the walls first. Probably (unrelatedly) should clean the bathtub, too. And sweep. And vacuum. And make brownies and eat them ALL.