Baaaad Internet Ads, Part the Third

Previously and previously.

Each day as we browse our merry way around the Internet, we’re bombarded with terrible ads. They run the gamut from awkward to off-putting to just plain unsightly. It’s as if once upon a time, the Chief of the Super Secret Cabal of Internet Advertisers said, No World Wide Web user will look at our ad unless it’s bizarrely hideous enough to distract them from their intended World Wide Weblogs. And thus came the rains of fire, and blood, and the women stripping the plastic wrap of old age from their faces.

Warning: Nasty-looking ambiguous images meant to strike the fear of health into you. Seriously, these ones are the gross ones that pop up in your sidebar or feed, trying to catch your attention with that trusty HEY LOOK I’M ICKY angle. Also, pretty ladies with pasties.

 

internet you suck_3

I always liked the phrase “EAT THIS!” (Probably the first place I heard it was Aliens, but who knows.) So I prefer to think of this ad as addressing High Blood Pressure with the same phrase. (After all, being trapped in a crumbling colony building overrun by aliens with acid for blood would definitely be stressful. Although you can’t shoot blood pressure with a big gun.) But I’m still unclear about the overly nasty blood blister/burnt jellyfish image. Are we supposed to eat that? To kill high blood pressure? Which is kind of the theme for today: look! Gross things! Also, you should worry about your health! There is some subtle marketing going on here, folks.

Moving on to weight loss:

 

internet you suck_4

Not much to say about this one, except that scrolling past it I thought it was a butt that had ne’er seen the light of day. And speaking of things that look like pustuled versions of other things:

Screen Shot 2014-04-01 at 9.02.26 PM

I suspect this too is a fruit. But this is my own ignorance showing. Just because I don’t know what something is in an ad doesn’t mean it’s not a great diet or blood pressure lifesaver or…or…

its a flea seriously

THAT’S NOT A FLEA THAT’S A FUCKING WOODTICK. OR AS MY MOM WOULD SAY, DOGTICK. WTF.

I wonder how many people clicked on this link in a righteous outdoorsy fury, to correct the spread of woodtick/flea misinformation? Hmm. Anyway. Let’s get away from representation and into reality. Hard cold reality, like teeth that know the Real Cost:

 

is it bad

I think there’s something wrong with me. Either I’ve seen one too many nasty tooth internet ads, or these teeth don’t look that bad to me when compared to moldy fruit and blood jellyfish blisters. But I think that’s enough nastiness for one day. Let’s move on to the ladies! It’s like a unicorn chaser, only we’re promoting things, too!

From Yahoo News’ scrolly front page of “news”, we have the World Cup wives and girlfriends:

 

thankgoodness

I’m so glad all soccer players are straight. So nice to see pictures of hot ladies holding babies instead of two hot men in love and kissing, ew.

And finally from a  local hotel, if you like to see hot ladies holding things other than babies, here are some hot ladies with pasties!

 

Screen Shot 2014-04-22 at 6.30.11 AM

“But they’re wearing shirts!” you say, feeling vaguely cheated. Well, yeah, it’s an ad for Comfort Inn. If you are not from or in the midwest, you may not know what a pasty is. It’s not this kind of pasty. Look carefully at the ladies pictured. The one on the right is holding a half-moon-shaped pastry in her hand. That, my friends, is a pasty. They are delicious. If you’re going to stay in a chain hotel in a tiny town perpetually lit up by the dinging and flashing lights of casino slot machines, you’re going to want a pasty in your hand to get you through it. They are

 

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