Baaaad Internet Ads, Part Two


Each day as we browse our merry way around the Internet, we’re bombarded with terrible ads. They run the gamut from awkward to off-putting to just plain unsightly. It’s as if once upon a time, the Chief of the Super Secret Cabal of Internet Advertisers said, No World Wide Web user will look at our ad unless it’s bizarrely hideous enough to distract them from their intended World Wide Weblogs. And thus came the rains of fire, and blood, and the women stripping the plastic wrap of old age from their faces.

Warning: Today’s bad ads are rated WTF for WTF.

First up, courtesy of Dictionary dot com’s daily word emails, some nice tight butts:
Define BUTTS for me
This falls into the arbitrary-rotating-ad column, I think. But this is a partial ad, one that I cropped so I could be all, THE DEFINITION OF DEFINITION, YO, aka BUTTS EVERYONE. The full ad is a little more explicable:

The full BUTTS
See? They’re selling two-piece outfits! It’s not just a hot-ass fest. Though what this has to do with Spanish Word of the Day, I do not know. As I said, it’s an arbitrary crapshoot ad that hopes I will A) like looking at butts in tight pants, or B) be on the lookout for tight pants. Maybe, just maybe, I can have it both ways…

Also, on the flip side of things:
no internet just no
Hey, don’t ask why I’m listening to the youtube videos of the SMB soundtrack, and I won’t ask why giant muscly thighs and a little purple speedo are appearing in the sidebar.

Meanwhile, from Tumblr:
Perhaps I should be curious and click. NAAAAAH

This shiny blue dolphin was actually an animated ad, which I probably should’ve recreated in gif form so you could get the full effect. The dolphin spun endlessly. If I had more than a baby’s comprehension of all the things I could do with my smartphone, and if also I were a baby, I would probably understand why AT&T is pushing this spinny blue dolphin on me, and I would probably covet it with great lusty  desire.

Unrelatedly, we all know that lusty desire can end badly:
Do you have these symptoms, random Highlights character?
Well, DO YOU have these symptoms? That’s quite the combination right there. This ad reminds me of a Highlights illustration. No offense intended to Highlights or Highlights illustrators.

Finally, my earworm of the year got the better of me. Yes, I’ve had Frankie Valli’s December, 1963 (which you may also know as Oh What a Night) in my head since, oh, January. For some reason A. and I were discussing the song and speculating about its inspiration, and somehow I ended up on some crappy, bad-ad-infested lyrics website, to see the following:



INTERESTING juxtaposition? Or is this more a commentary on my recent life, rather than Frankie’s?


2 thoughts on “Baaaad Internet Ads, Part Two

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