Can you take my pills?

Recently I got a memorable shipment from my mail-order pharmacy. Mail-order pharmacies are the best if you’ve got a chronic disease. For example: you need maintenance meds every day? They accept three-month prescriptions and do auto-renewals. Let me tell you now, there’s nothing better than getting a big bag of three month’s worth rattling medicine bottles. It’s Pharmaceutical Christmas! Unless your package looks like this:

there's no crying in healthcare

And this:


I called them, of course. They told me to:

A) sit tight and they would send a new prescription, no trouble,

B) dispose of all the pills in the opened package, and

C) I could expect the new scrip in a few days.

Ha ha ha haaaaaa. I mean, really. Not only should I waste two perfectly good and still-sealed bottles of meds, but I should throw out the proof that your mailing packaging is for shit? But then, I did call them around 8 p.m., so maybe I got someone who was a little tired. I put the pills in a plastic bag and waited for the new ones. Oh wait, I’m sorry, that should read: and waited.  And waited, and waited, and waited.

Three calls and a couple weeks later, the new instructions went something like:

A) You’re not covered, so we can’t send you pills,

[a1) this happened while I was on the phone straightening out the COBRA I’d applied for as we got ready to move]

B) except we totally can send you the pills because this scrip was filled while you were covered, and

C) you need to send us back that damaged scrip, mmkay? We’ll send you a postage-free mailer and a label and everything.

They sent me a one-page letter which said, hilariously, enclosed please find your postage-free mailing envelope. I looked, but I could not find, helpful letter. They had, however, sent me a nice postage-free label. So I wrapped up the pills in their original (albeit somewhat shredded) packaging, stuck the free label on the front and sent it back. They in turn sent me my new pills, and things have been great ever since. I think overall that despite the length of time, it was still the best out of all my healthcare dealings in the previous two months. You win, mail-order pharmacy! You get the Destiny’s Child Award.

(I can’t help it. Whenever I think about my pills [pills pills], this song still goes through my head.)

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