I asked A. the other morning, “it’s Friday, right?” And he looked at me kinda funny, which I would do too, if I were him – but lately my weeks have been condensing themselves into one long day where I drift from home to bus to work to cubicle to desk to bus to home again, and when I blink I realize I’m awake and it’s the next day already, whatever that is.
Anyway, it kind of sucks in an inexorable exhausting way, and I’d say that I want to slow things down so that I can appreciate every little bite of life, except? EXCEPT? Guess what today is? Yep, that’s right:
it’s PREP DAY, BITCHES!
Some days I sit and marvel at how lucky I am. This is not one of those days. In order to prep for the prep, I “avoided all beans, peas, popcorn, corn, and grapes” three days prior to the big C-probe. Then I spent all of today on a lovely liquid diet, rocking the chicken broth, tea, water, apple juice, etc.
Bitters and triple sec: extremely important to general liquid nutrition. I’m sorry if your gastroenterologist didn’t inform you of that fact, but it’s true.
The actual mixing directions for the prep are kind of finicky.
You’re supposed to mix it with drinking water. (So okay, I got out the filter pitcher.) But wait! It has to be lukewarm water – anything other than lukewarm will cause a massive eruption of powdery crap! (So I let the water sit for a while.) Then after you mix it up you can refrigerate it. So it gets cold…but it can’t…start cold. I don’t even know. Someone in the prescription drug directions label factory had a slow day at work, maybe? Anyway! That’s a lot of water, isn’t it.
As usual, I had a hard time unscrewing the lid. And what are those under the jug handle?
Flavor packs! Fake cherry, orange, pineapple, or lemon-lime! Gosh! Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and not use any of these. I’m sure there’s someone out there who’s been very happy with the taste of their pineapple-flavored Golytely/Nulytely, but I’m not going to be one of them. I will take it like an immigrant Norwegian farmhand and drink it straight, damn it.*
So if we skip the questionable-flavoring step, the only thing left to do is add water and shake it up. So I added water, and I shook and shook and shook, and voilà:
A giant 4-liter jug of prep, just for me. What a lucky girl. And now it will chill in the refrigerator until 4 p.m., because apparently if you chill it, it will then taste less like barf. Yes, Barf.
Tomorrow’s the big day. I plan on staying up extremely late tonight watching comfort movies and looking at pictures of comfort food and perhaps reading some comfort books whilst on the toilet, all so that when they give me a sedative I go out like a light and STAY OUT.** That way I can pretend it was all a strange, alien abduction-themed dream.
Wish me luck!
* Also the last flavored thing I had was bubble-gum something. It was foul.
** Last time? Not so much. I sort of woke up halfway through and boy, take it from me, that is less than ideal.