Prepping for reentry

My gastro wants me to get a colonoscopy sometime soon. Obviously, the prospect of this thrills me deeply. I managed to talk her into waiting for a couple months, as my folks and A.’s folks are coming for a visit soon. While I’m sure they’d just love to hang out at the clinic (I go in hungry, bitchy, and mobile; I come out mincing, spacey and muttering gibberish. It’s so appealing to see what your son has brought into the family, yeah?) I think I’ll wait until they’re long, long gone.

My last colon-scoping was a pain. The prep was, as advertised, awful (see below for more details on that ass blast of fun). When I got the hospital, they gave me a Versed and Demerol cocktail to lull me, but unfortunately I floated in and out of the drugged daze enough to feel (and see, on the conveniently located monitor above the table) nice big chunks of the action. And then I spent a lovely long time after the procedure drooling on myself, drooling in the car, and drooling into my soup. I blame the Versed; some of my symptoms (okay, not the drooling) were awfully similar to those warning an overdose.

However! This has given me an idea. I’m not gonna wake up this time – I’m gonna stay up for most of the night before so that I’m exhausted and I just fall asleep on the procedural table. Genius!

Of course, before I schedule or put any other supasmart plans into play, I like to consult other sources, such as CCFA’s website:

Sometimes preparing for these tests is not easy. It can be embarrassing, and often unpleasant, to take enemas, and downright distasteful to drink the “bowel prep” prescribed by your doctor. However, following these instructions ensures the best possible test outcome.

I feel like these sentences should have little smiley faces interjected between them.

CCFA also has this little link, which probably explains why my gastro’s PA wrote me a prescription for a prep called NuLytely:

US FDA warns of kidney damage in bowel cleansers

Gah. I used Fleet’s for my first colonoscopy back in 2003. Glad to know it’s really shitty for your kidneys! That first time, I was drinking out of a pitcher and crying at each new mouthful of apple juice-flavored grease, until my friend Dawn suggested that I use a straw. What an awesome pal. I guess geniuses just gravitate to each other, huh? So. Anyway. Hurray for NuLytely.

What is with these names? If I ever start a pharma colonoscopy prep company, I’m gonna name it something clever and classy like KleenUout or Recta-Gush.

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