COINCIDENCE?

I have a lot of issues with taking my medication. While it makes me feel better to take it, obviously, I can’t do so without thinking about the side effects. When will I develop lymphoma, my brain whispers as I unscrew the bottle cap. Better steer clear of that coworker who had the flu. What about dysplasia? What about my liver? And by the time I’ve swallowed all my meds, my default face for the day is Crabby.

Usually I can push the Crabby face over for the No Big Deal Face. Occasionally, though, I push too hard and the Crazy Makin’ Shit Up Face peeks out. When this happens, my mind goes thisaway:

1) Imuran is causing random cosmetic defects to my body. Note: I have no medical evidence to back this up, which is why it gets filed under the CMSU Face. If I find a tiny funky double hair on my forearm with a consistency that closer resembles fiber optic spray lighting than human hair, my first thought (after the obligatory Wow, what the hell is this?) is, naturally, COINCIDENCE? OR IMURAN? Naturally. Also, earlier this month I discovered that nose hairs in only one of my nostrils* have suddenly decided they are not happy living a shy and retiring existence in the moist undemanding caverns of my nose. No, these upstarts want to see the daylight. So for the first time ever, I had to trim my nose hairs a la Dan Aykroyd in The Great Outdoors. It was frightening, my friends.

Anyway, all of this is hair-related! COINCIDENCE? I think not. Imuran!

2) I’m tired and antisexual.** Obviously, this is Imuran’s fault. Okay, some of this can be accounted to the drug. It tamps down your immune system and when that happens, you’re gonna feel a bit worn down. But clearly there can be psychological factors contributing to both (such as, e.g.: I’m unhappy where I live and work, I’m unhappy that A. does not anticipate my every desire, like when I really want him to do the goddamn dishes and clean the house and finish a load of laundry and buy me tacos for dinner and have all these wonderful surprises waiting for me when I get home from work), and physical ones, too (such as, e.g., I don’t go to bed before 11 if I can help it, and then I get up at 5 a.m. to take the dog out. Nah. That’s too easy. But when’s a 9-5 girl supposed to watch her Doctor Who and make pies/divinity/crocheted Christmas presents?), so honestly? I don’t know if this can be attributed to Imuran at all. If “fatigue” wasn’t present in the possible side effects list, perhaps I wouldn’t notice at all.

Oh, who am I kidding? COINCIDENCE? It’s totally the Imuran!

3) I have a rash. Yes, Internet. I do. Rashes are in the “uncommon and ominous” section of the side effects list. However, I suspect it is the ringworm hanging on (I still haven’t had time to go to the doctor, mostly because my sick time is still dragging itself up from the Pit of Obliteration my flare-up chucked it into) and anyway, Ulcerative Colitis can cause skin rashes, too. But have I ever had one before I started taking Imuran?*** No! Clearly this can’t be an accident. I BLAME YOU, IMURAN.

And now my blog will become the number one hit for Imuran-related queries. Sorry, everyone, but hello, too.

* The other nostril hairs? They are content, luckily for them.
** Definition according to Simple English Wikipedia? “A person who thinks sex is always bad.” I want a Needlessly Complex English Wikipedia, please, where is it?
*** Er. Six years ago…

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