Holy processed glop, Batman!

A week after the doctor diagnosed me, I met with a dietician to discuss eating habits. She was friendly and smiley like a high school school council president. She had a nice office, with pictures of deer and a food pyramid graph.

“This is really a lifestyle change for you,” she said. “Don’t think of it as a diet, because you’ll never get started.”

She passed me some papers. I read the title on the first few.

Bland Diet. Low Residue Diet. Low Fiber Diet.

The dietician got out a notepad. “First, let’s set you some goals. What would you say are your most important goals for eating right?”

“Um. Eating stuff that won’t make me crap blood, I guess.”

She frowned. “Can you be more specific?”

“I eat a lot of chocolate,” I offered, feeling like a jerk after a few minutes of silence.

“Okay.” She wrote down Go easy chocolate.

“And coffee makes me run. Um. With my legs, not – um. Look, this is pretty new to me, so whatever suggestions you can give me would be really helpful.”

She scribbled away for a minute, and then handed me the paper. “Okay.”

  1. Bland Diet
  2. Low residue/low fiber diet
  3. Go easy chocolate
  4. No coffee

“Try the foods on those lists and see how they work for you. Your eating patterns will start to vary and that might give you some stress, so take it slow.”

As my eating patterns normally fluctuated between the ramen and Cheetoes groups, I could definitely foresee some major stress coming. I studied the sheets. The Bland Diet seemed to consist of white bread, rice, and applesauce, while the Low Residue had little to no roughage.

“Aren’t some of these foods unhealthy?”

“Maybe from a general perspective, but we’re concentrating on digestion here. Applesauce instead of apples, because it’s easier on your gut. And you don’t want to stick to these religiously – mix it up a little.” She made a pot-stirring motion with her hands. “Try different foods and see what works best for your body.”

“All right.”

We made plans to meet again in a month’s time.

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4 thoughts on “Holy processed glop, Batman!

  1. Sticking to the diet wasn’t that hard for me. But what was hard was when I’d be invited to a relatives house and they’d make chili, and they’d go “Oh, you can’t eat chili?” Or they’d make cream corn, or enchiladas, or various other stuff that’d I would love to eat, but couldn’t. So I’d always be stuck with skinless fried chicken and macaroni salad bought from the grocery store. That got pretty irritating after a while. After I had my surgery, they came in with a new diet for me. It was basically the same as the last diet. I showed it to the surgeon–she rolled her eyes, and said, “you can eat that, that, that, and that, and that, just don’t eat popcorn, nuts, or seeds.” Then months later, I went to my GI. He said I could eat anything I want now. If I have problems, just don’t eat that again. Since then, I’ve tried baked beans, popcorn, and Mexican food and haven’t had any problems.

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  2. I am a giant fan of corn and spicy anything, so the diet seemed a little depressing at first. Another notch in the belt for surgery! (seriously!) Can you drink coffee?

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  3. Great blog. You are brave to scribe your experiences here and share what you’re going through! I think it’s so important to have fist-hand knowledge of what it’s like to have a condition such as ulcerative colitis. You are helping so many people.Just want you to know I’ll be following your posts!All the best,Gastro Girl

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  4. Thanks, Gastro Girl! It would be nice if my experiences would help folks, even if it’s only only in the sense of commiseration. I enjoy your article/blog entries at revolution health – they are very informative! I look forward to reading more. -peppery

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