Can you take my pills? Can you take my big horse pills?

Tumeric! Or Turmeric! Either way, this Yellow Dusty Spice will soon be coming to an intestine near you! (and by you I do mean YOU -insert pointy finger graphic here followed by highfalutin diet advice that no one with a hearty chocolate addiction would deign to follow, much less read past the first “Sure, you can eat _____! In moderation-” and I mean me, of course.)

I would be interested to try this, but as I’m in remission and have been for over two years, I don’t think I will wholeheartedly. It’s hard to be open to new treatments when you can go to the bathroom and afterwards scream in abject, delirious happiness,
“Honey! Come look! It has shape, and density!” In fact, apart from the potentially mind-numbing side effects, I enjoy taking pills. According to my mom, when I was little I’d divvy up fruit snacks into different doses, take them all at once and make terribly solemn faces about my illness.

(Damn you, Genes. Is this how you get your kicks, or was this an early warning system, telling me that fruit would be a fickle friend in the future?)

My sidekick drug is Colazal. It is a sidekick in every sense. When taken alone, it does absolutely nothing for my gut; the big bad immune system ties it to a chair and dangles it off a skyscraper, waiting for the real shit* to show up. It is also the biggest pill, and doesn’t quite know what to do with itself if Imuran dawdles. Unfortunately it does enough punching and kicking to help in the alley fight, so I notice if I forget to take it along. It comes in a giant bag (one that pharmacy workers can never find until I slip them some cash for their trouble) because of my 3-3xday dosing schedule. It’s all about size, not stamina, with Colazal.

It also likes to melt in the heat of my hand. Like M&Ms, except disgusting and greasy and not chocolatey at all.

But it lets me eat chocolate on a regular basis, which is good for my stress-free lifestyle. If turmeric can offer a similar compromise, we might be in business.

If not, well, suck it up, liver.

*All off-color puns in this blog are purely unintentional and are sponsored by Baritop.

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